


The Red Crayon

by theprincessofdenial



Category: Phineas and Ferb
Genre: Comedy, Doofenshmirtz sets a trap and there are balloons involved, Fluff, Gen, No beta we die like mne, Oneshot, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, a story that is as pointless as it is silly, because of course they are, oh my God so it is possible for me to write something besides angst?!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-17
Updated: 2020-10-17
Packaged: 2021-03-08 23:46:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,412
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27055138
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theprincessofdenial/pseuds/theprincessofdenial
Summary: Doofenshmirtz had ran the numbers. He was perfectly aware that his plan could have caused minor discomfort for eleven people, and those were the conservative estimates. It was entirely possible that the number of kids affected by his Inator would reach twenty, and, who knows, perhaps even twenty two. But no! Apparently, the mad scientist wasn’t worth anyone’s attention anymore.“Someone might have thought that five years of shared animosity would mean something!” He exclaimed angrily in the direction of no one in particular.
Relationships: Heinz Doofenshmirtz & Perry the Platypus
Kudos: 13





	The Red Crayon

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is ancient. I've posted it on FFN back in the day when FFN was still a thing. I have rewritten it, trying to avoid new mistakes and rectify the ones a certain eighteen-year-old me made. Nonetheless, I'm not a native speaker so if you notice any errors, please let me know.

The fifteen-dollar doctor was trying not to squee. He made an attempt to hide his nervousness behind a wide smile, and somehow it worked. He resembled a five-year-old expecting a new toy.  
He was so excited! Perry the Platypus was going to love this.  
Doofenshmirtz consulted the clock with a manic grin. He just couldn’t wait to see his nemesis’ expression. His Keep-Away-From-Books-Inator was going to prevent every kid in the entire Tri-State Area from reading—just like he couldn’t read back in Druselstein, where he was getting thrown out of the library because the stench of pork he carried was unbearable. The funny thing was, probably no one was going to notice any difference today. No one liked to read anyways.  
Oh, it was going to work. He's hidden the self-destruct button this time.  
The Doctor rubbed his hands, hoping he looked evil enough, whistled, and let the insane happiness take over. He just had to wait a few more minutes.

Three hours later he was pacing from the window to his new Inator anxiously. There was still no thwarting. Not even the slightest amount of it.  
Doofenshmirtz felt disappointed. This plan might have actually worked, he knew it. He spent a very long time on today’s evil scheme as he understood it was a special occasion. He could have wreaked havoc in the Tri-State Area if he was given a chance. It would have been terrifying, glorious, and definitely evil—or at least slightly inconvenient for a whole handful of teenagers. Doofenshmirtz had ran the numbers. He was perfectly aware that his plan could have caused minor discomfort for eleven people, and those were the conservative estimates. It was entirely possible that the number of kids affected by his Inator would reach twenty, and, who knows, perhaps even twenty two. But no! Apparently, the mad scientist wasn’t worth anyone’s attention anymore.  
“Someone might have thought that five years of shared animosity would have meant something,” he exclaimed angrily in the direction of no one in particular. Then, after some consideration, he made an angry gesture in an over-dramatic manner as well. “Today I could have already taken over the entire Tri-State Area instead of waiting for my only nemesis to be so kind as to show up. But does that mean anything? Nooo!” He dragged out the last word, glancing anxiously at the window and hoping to see a sudden movement.  
With every passing second, the remainder of the day was getting shorter. Soon, the libraries would be getting closed for the night. What good would his Inator be if by the time he uses it everyone interested would have managed to benefit from the public resources?  
And yet, the little platypus was still absent. How dared he?  
It wasn’t like Doofenshmirtz actually cared. If the stinky animal wasn’t going to show up, fine. The mad scientist had every intention of carrying on with his evil plan, and no one would stop him. What kind of an animal is a platypus anyway? Unable to make up its mind, half a mammal, half a bird, and with fur in a weird color at that. Not a proper species, if you’d ask Doofenshmirtz. The Doctor would definitely not weep like a schoolgirl when the Tri-State Area was waiting to be conquered.  
He just didn’t feel like wreaking havoc anymore, he realized with something that was definitely not a sniffle.

The window opened soundlessly, and a small shape in a fedora entered the dark room.  
Agent P looked around, expecting a trap. There was none.  
“Ah, Perry the Platypus! How kind of you to finally find a moment for your own archenemy.”  
Heinz Doofenshmirtz turned the light on with a frown. Perry wondered briefly whether the mad scientist actually spent hours in total darkness just for the sake of the theatrics.  
The Doctor stared at the visitor with an expression usually reserved for unfaithful spouses. He was obviously attempting to look scary. Mostly, he just seemed hurt.  
Perry let out a customary chatter.  
“What do you mean: Monobrow didn’t tell you I had a plan? What the heck! You couldn’t just think for yourself, eh?” The Doctor asked angrily. His accent became thicker when he was aggravated. “The nerve you have to come up with such a preposterous excuse for an excuse! Hey, today is the fifth anniversary of the first encounter with my nemesis. Let’s not see him today, he’s not up to anything, eh? Why should he be up to anything, it’s not important, eh? He wouldn’t have decorated the new trap with some balloons just for the occasion, eh?”  
While speaking, Doofenshmirtz began waving his hands in the air, as he usually did when he wanted to make a point. He approached Perry step by step until his nose was almost leaning against the Agent’s beak.  
“Eh? _Eh_?” He repeated furiously, not expecting an answer.  
The platypus suppressed the urge to roll his eyes. After all, he knew the Doctor for five years, and shouldn’t be surprised by his overreaction.  
“So finally you come here in the middle of the night, ‘cause you’ve suddenly remembered that I exist?” The man continued his rant uninterrupted. “Well, I’m certainly flattered!”  
Doofenshmirtz turned around, the lab coat following his movement with a dramatic half-second delay. He headed back for the chair he occupied before the platypus arrived. He managed to make an activity as neutral as having a sit look angry.  
“But you know what?” He asked, not giving the platypus time to reply. “I’ve changed my mind. No evil scheme this time. I’ve turned my new invention off without your help. I've even managed to blow it up, no thanks to you.”  
To Perry’s disbelief, the Doctor grimaced triumphantly.  
“I can manage by myself! I can thwart my own plans better than you could. How do you like _that_?”  
Perry shook his head, incredulous. The conversation started out as silly, but now it was plain ridiculous. Did the scientist really want to punish him by abandoning his own evil plot?  
Doofenshmirtz looked at Perry expectantly but after few seconds his anger seemed to deflate.  
“I don’t need you anymore, Perry the Platypus.” He stated, his voice breaking. The mad scientist rose from his sit again, this time to face the window.  
Dear God, was he crying? _Really_?  
“I hope this will teach you a lesson. Don’t underestimate your enemy. If I you—if you even call me that after—”  
He trailed off tearfully, waiting for Perry to protest. The Agent shrugged, refusing to dignify such an allegation with a response but the nuance of the gesture was lost on the scientist.  
“You can leave now, Perry the Platypus,” he eventually managed to say through the lump in his throat.  
Agent P didn’t move. He saw the Doctor take a few steps towards the door, apparently showing himself out since the guest refused to leave Doofenshmirtz’s own laboratory. The man’s back was more hunched than usually.  
Suddenly, the mad scientist stopped in the doorframe. He turned back with poorly hidden hope.  
“Perry the Platypus, what were you doing here if you didn’t know about my today’s evil scheme?” He asked, aiming at suspicious but unable to hide glee in his voice. A wide smile was already spreading slowly across his face.  
Then, with shaking fingers he took the crumpled card from the animal’s hand.  
“Happy Neme-versary,” he read out loud. “And there’s a picture of balloons, and something—” Doofenshmirtz squinted, “something that looks like a very poorly drawn cake! Why, Perry the Platypus, I didn’t know you could actually write with those silly hands of yours!” The Doctor beamed.  
This time Perry _did_ eye roll, not sure if annoyed with the Doctor or with himself. How could he be so naïve as to expect a ‘thank you’ for his efforts? It was Doofenshmirtz after all.  
“Oh, wait!” Perry heard as he was about to leave. “You’ve used a red crayon! You know I hate the red color! You’ve heard the backstory _twice_. You know, the one with the spilled ketchup and the angry bull in my kindergarten?”  
The Agent nodded. The mad scientist was trying very hard to appear deeply affronted.  
“ _You remembered_!” Doofenshmirtz exclaimed a bit too enthusiastically. “You remembered, and you’ve decided to ruin my day with the red crayon. Well that’s just typical. Curse you, Perry the Platypus!”  
The last time Doofenshmirtz sounded so happy was exactly five years ago.


End file.
